Bullies, Parents and Bystanders
The Roles of Bystanders and Parents in a Bullying Situation
Nov 20, 2008
Bystanders witness bullying. Many of them feel helpless watching the humiliation that one "powerful" person inflicts on a peer.
Effects of Bystanders When They Witness Bullying
The bystander often feels frightened, guilty and helpless. The bystander may feel
- Frightened because he or she may think this can happen to them if they don’t keep quiet.
- Guilty because they are not doing anything to help the target.
- Helpless because they want to do something but don’t want to become a target.
Bystander Fear
Bystanders are often fearful of becoming a target. To cope and play the middle of the road, bystanders often try to blend in to the background and stay out of the bully’s path. Fly under the radar is the motto. Bystanders will at times pretend to be friends of the bully hoping to buy time and mercy. The long-term plan is unknown but the short-term plan is to survive. Survive the brutality they witness others receiving.
Bystanders, on occasion, become accomplices in the bullying to escape the wrath of the bully. Some bystanders actually inflict pain upon the targets per orders of the bully to save themselves pain.
What does the bully gain from this behavior?
- Popularity
- Compliance
- Approval
It all gets down to power. Who has the power? If you have popularity, you have power. If you receive compliance from peers, you have power. And, if you have approval from peers, you have power.
Bystanders Make a Difference
Peers that are not willing to partake of the bullying behavior is truly brave. They haves a lot at stake. They are risking becoming a target, losing friends, and even becoming the next convenient target. So, taking a stand is bravery.
A timid bystander may decide to look down at the ground instead of laugh when a bully decides to humiliate a target. The bystander may choose to walk away from a painful scene. Both of these behaviors would be seen as mildly brave.
A braver bystander can distract the bully or even change the subject to something the bully may find interesting. This takes more courage than merely walking away but is still not very effective.
A truly brave bystander decides he is not going to watch or partake in the victimization of a peer. This person will speak up for the victim, help them out of a difficult situation, and tell an adult (parents, teachers or school counselor) what is going on. Anyone can walk away and let the chips fall. It is the truly strong bystander that approaches the bully and tells him or her to stop picking on the target.
Parent’s Role in Bullying
Parents may talk to children at a very early age about feelings and how one can feel about things that happen in one's life. Children also need to be taught about friendship and what makes a good friend. Empathy, the knowing how someone else feels, needs to be taught to children so they know how other people may feel about situations.
Parents should also teach children to stand up for themselves without being aggressive or bullying themselves. Children need to know what bullying is and what they can do to protect themselves against it. When is it a minor situation? When is it time to get help?
Parents may be the best role models. When children see conflict, they watch how adults handle the situation. Showing solid problem solving skills and patience sends a strong message to children on how to behave.
Schools do have a role in teaching children anger management, problem solving and empathy for others. Parents are also the first teachers of children. Together, schools and parents can help children gain a strong perspective on relationships.
Source: "Early intervention and prevention are the keys to stopping the bullying in our schools." Stephanie Duffek, The Hartley Sentinel, Hartley, IA. 2007.
Related articles: Suicides Increasing From Bullying, Bully Victim Gets $1 Million
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