I Forgot My Homework
The second born is the most likely to "forget" to turn in homework. Subconsciously, the child cannot turn in homework that is less than perfect. No strategies, punishment, reasoning or incentives seem to make much difference. The subconscious obstacle is too great. She "forgets" to put the homework in her book bag to bring to class. She has completed it but she just cannot make herself turn it in. She has not done it perfectly.
Second Fiddle
The attitude started in very early childhood when the second born was upstaged by her first born sibling. Whatever the second born did the first born did it better, got praise for it and left the second born feeling inadequate. The second born decided that if she were to get love she would have to do something perfectly. This decision continues to drive the second born throughout life. "Getting love" goes subconscious but the compulsive perfectionism continues.
Discouraged
The second born becomes discouraged when it becomes apparent that it is impossible to do a certain thing perfectly. The second born reacts with, "I can't do that" which means "I can't do it perfectly." Encouraging the second born to just "do the best you can" makes it worse for this child because the "best you can" suggests perfection.
Do What You Can
It is better to tell the discouraged second born to "do what you can." The suggestion relieves the second born because it is possible to do what you can.
It's All in the Details
Since the second born is a perfectionist, she thrives on details. The more details she has the more encouraged she is to do what she can. She may even ask for more details than the teacher can give. In that case, teacher can encourage the student to research the details she wants to share with the class and/or the teacher.
Self Put-Downs
At times the second born puts herself down for slight imperfections. It is tempting but futile to convince her that she is okay, that her judgment of herself is totally inaccurate and that she can do far better than she thinks she can. The issue is not about how well the second born can do things. Rather, by putting herself down the second born is craving assurance that she is liked even if she is not perfect. Rather than trying to improve her self-esteem, it is better to assure her that you like her even though she did not do something perfectly.
Related articles: The First Born in the Classroom, Only Child in the Classroom, Birth Order in the Classroom, The Fourth Born Personality, The Third Born Personality, The Second Born Personality, First Born Personality, The Only Child, Birth Order and School, Intro to Birth Order Plus
Cliff Isaacson
Upper Des Moines Counseling Center, Inc. 1-800-214-0795.
Visit Cliff's website for more information, Birth Order Plus
Cliff has authored several books on the topic: The Birth Order Effect: How to Better Understand Yourself and Others, The Birth Order Effect for Couples, How To Love Your Children: Birth Order For Parents, The Birth Order Challenge: Expanding Your Horizons, Look at it This Way: Reframing Life's Experiences, 112 Ways to Say What You Want, and Understanding Yourself Through Birth Order.
Copyright article 2006 Cliff Isaacson. All Rights Reserved.
