Every child born wants to be loved. Gang members consider the "gang" their family because they often lack love and acceptance in the family of origin. Good manners, sharing, hugs and smiles often result in approval and love in a family. Children learn what is necessary to gain approval at home.
Gaining Social Approval at School
At the age of 5, a child goes off to school. Suddenly, good manners, sharing, hugs and smiles may not be enough to gain approval. The school structure for approval may be different than home. In school, the clothes a child wears, how fast they can run, how pretty they are, or how smart they are may be the criteria for social approval. Someone changed the rules! Children must now regroup to maintain approval. Some do this easily, others do not. In fact, approval at school may be in conflict with what gains approval at home.
Social Conflicts at School
At home, if a small child is being treated unfairly or unkindly, mother steps in to the rescue. Mom plays Switzerland and tries to get both parties to play nice with each other. Or, at times, mom sees someone is being treated unfairly and quickly puts a stop to the misbehavior. The child doesn’t have to learn many social skills to get along with siblings because mom is the enforcer swooping in to the rescue of the bullied.
School is a different stage. Instead of one or two adults per two or three children, there is one teacher for 25 or even 30 students. While supervision is present, an adult is now observing 30 students and can’t be everywhere. The lunchroom, playground, buses and bathrooms are times when teachers are not as vigilant as in the classroom.
Being polite, sharing, and smiles are in conflict with being in control. "Students who come to school unprepared for bullying are at risk for becoming a perpetual victim or a habitual bully. The victim lacks the ability to stand up for himself or herself appropriately. The bully lacks the skills to gain social power and acceptance through appropriate and positive means." [Stephanie Duffek, Elementary Counselor, Bon Homme, SD]
Assertive vs. Aggressive
A comprehensive and sequential counseling program in a school beginning with kindergarten is an essential piece in learning appropriate social skills for dealing with others. Counselors should be entering a classroom weekly and teaching students about
- Feelings
- Problem solving
- Socially acceptable behaviors
- Empathy
- Anger management
Counselors are also teaching students on how to deal with inappropriate aggression from other students. Students must learn how to be assertive without being aggressive. Assertiveness is standing up to bullying without becoming a bully. Aggression is inappropriate force aimed toward another student.
Why Are Bullies Created?
- Bullies learn to bully because there is a reward for the behavior.
- The bully gets what he or she wants by force.
- Bullies feel popular – often because others are afraid to get in the way of their popularity.
- Bullies have learned at a young age that manipulation pays off.
- Bullies have learned to stay off the radar of adults – teachers and parents.
- Bullies feel they are justified in their behaviors because they are superior.
What Becomes of Bullies?
Some bullies lose power when the "followers" decide they don’t have to follow anymore. As students enter high school and begin mixing with students of many ages, they often realize that elementary and middle school rules for social acceptance never did exist. They were an illusion. The bully is often left without friends and experiences four lonely years of high school.
Some bullies out grow their behaviors and become socially appropriate teenagers with the assistance of parents, teachers and counselors. The school and/or the parents have intervened with proper social skills education and the bully learns new behaviors.
Some Bullies Don't Change
Not all bullies give up bullying behaviors. They end up getting into legal jangles and often end up in jail. The inflated view they have of themselves does not serve them well. It was once thought that jails are filled with prisoners with poor self-esteem that needed esteem building efforts. Research now shows that many in jail have higher self-esteem than the general population. They have little to no remorse for their victims. The view is that they deserve things just because they are who they are. They may even say that the targets deserved what they got because they are either stupid or weak. Getting things they want by intimidation is a long-standing behavior. This philosophy was reinforced each time they were not held accountable for bullying behaviors.
Schools Must Address Bullying
Bullying has been unchecked in education far too long. Recently, parents are beginning to bully teachers. Challenging bullying is now achievable. It no longer needs to be tolerated. Many schools have been successful in greatly reducing bullying. Those that have been successful have many things in common.
- Schools admit there is a problem.
- Administrators support teachers and counselors in confronting the bullying.
- Targets are taught assertiveness skills.
- A reporting system is accessible to every student.
- A building wide program is put in place.
- Putting a stop to bullying is made a goal of a school building and does not happen by accident.
- Consequences toward bullies are consistent and fair.
The first year may be rough when a bully free zone is declared but each year after that is easier. A unified school staff is the first step to extinguishing this behavior. Watch for warning signs in students and assign school staff to take complaints and investigate accusations. Children in school need and deserve a safe environment.
Source: "Early intervention and prevention are the keys to stopping the bullying in our schools." Stephanie Duffek, The Hartley Sentinel, Hartley, IA. 2007.
Related article: Suicide Among Young Children
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